A Joburger in Cape Town

I am coming to you live from the Mother City. The land of Milk and Honey and very COLD winters. I am literally sitting on top of my newly purchased gas heater staring into the emptiness of my half unpacked living room. Sheesh, cold and dry winters is something I am very familiar with, but cold, wet and windy is a whole new ball game. Now, I know I am still in the same country and I only moved to Cape Town four days ago, but things are different, very very different. So i figured I will compile a quick list.

JOBURG:

  • Every man for himself, and road rage for us all.
  • A resting bitch face is necessary at all times.
  • A morning is not a morning made without being narrowly missed; in bumper to bumper traffic, by a speeding taxi in the yellow lane.
  • Waiters will not smile, ever.
  • Avoid eye contact with strangers at all times, especially in Pick Pay, Checkers and Spar.
  • There are no road rules, what so ever, it is like the Wild West. You jump in guns blazing and hope for the best.
  • Highveld stereo is your only friend between 6 and 9 am.
  • Highveld stereo is also your only friend between 5 and 8 pm.
  • Shopping is generally not possible without entering a communist looking building named a mall. You will also pay R5 parking per hour for this torture.
  • Public transport means risking your life in a minibus, fondly yet incorrectly referred to as Taxi. It should be renamed to rattling, death trap.
  • There is a sky train, but unless you have R200 to go to the airport (one way) most stops lead to a black hole of no further public transport unless you count Uber or rattling death traps as public transport.
  • Going to the CBD means taping all your worldly possessions to your person, or hiding them in one of your cavities.
  • Except when you go to Maboneng or Braam on a weekend, then it is not seen as a feat of courage but just another hipster thing to do.
  • If you live in Fourways or Sandton you will most likely not know how to get to Melville.
  • If you live in Melville you will most likely only take the Gautrain from Rosebank to Sandton City once and then come back to moan about all the snobs.
  • Walking? What is walking?

CAPE TOWN:

  • The weird accents you hear are actually real tourists. In Joburg the only weird accents you hear is when Tannie Babs comes visiting from the farm.
  • Traffic is slow going, but strangely enough people seem relatively chill about it.
  • Shops close very early here. Like 6pm early.
  • Live close to the ocean they said it will be fun they said. Hmmm. Washed a Hoodie on Friday, it is now Monday and it is still damp.
  • Going to the CBD means I am going to a museum or a park or my office building or an open air market.
  • Public transport is user friendly, cheap and safe. Except during peak times. In peak times all bus users are demoted to squashed meat bags.
  • There is eye porn everywhere, mountains, beaches, architecture…
  • People smile at you all the time, at first I thought I had something on my face or in my teeth.
  • I don’t feel judged when asking for directions.
  • Friday work days seem to end earlier.
  • There is a vast amount of wine consumption in restaurants. Before noon… on weekdays.
  • One can actually be a pedestrian without risking instant death or redistribution of wealth.
  • There are real side walks here with safe pedestrian crossings and fancy buttons you can push to make the walking light go green.
  • There is no water, I feel guilty every time I climb in the shower.
  • I hear the wind can get pretty bad….

 

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